Thursday, January 05, 2006

Suicide is Painless (So they say)

On Boxing Day, a workmate who I have known for 16 years and worked alongside for 5 years walked out to his garage after lunch and hanged himself. He was a good man with a wife and two teenage kids, a boy and a girl. No reasons have been revealed as to why he chose to do this. There was trouble between he and his wife, he wasn't a player but I suppose he could have been hard to live with at times, who isn't? His suicide and method of doing it is something I find difficult to come to grips with. Over the years we have both been to several suicides, the most unpleasant being hangings, he would have known well what he was doing and the effect it would have on those who knew him. He obviously had a message for all of us who knew him in the manner of his death, I am not sure what that message is, I can speculate as most of us are who knew him. But I will never know for certain.

In my first marraige there were many times when things were very bad that I wished I was dead. Sometimes it was so strong that I found myself standing next to the railway line tossing up whether to jump in front of a train. I never did thank heavens but at times it was touch and go. What stopped me each time were the children, the effect in both the short and long term would be devastating. It would effect them for the rest of their lives and they didn't deserve that. So no matter how bad I would put my head down and work harder than ever to keep the family together. It didn't work but I probably got another 5 years together for them. I think it helped, when things were finally unrepairable - She was prepared to lie about so many things to get me out- I left. Even with a 70/30 property split (thats why I hate lawyers) and the punitive child support I managed to through hard work, and a determination not to let the kids down any further to get a house and stability in their lives again. Now all four of them live with me as well as my 2nd wife and our two kids. It's crowded and crazy at times but overall it works.

I am so glad I never took that step in front of a train. They say that suicide is painless, well maybe for the suicidee but I am certain the pain will last forever for those left behind.

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